So I let go...

I'm not even a month into "The 39th Year" and I really feel like I'm growing more and more as a person.  Today I was able to check off my "The 39th Year Bucket List" letting go of things that no longer serve a purpose in my life.  I know, I know... haven't I already done this? Well to some degree, but not in the way I did today... and not allowing me to feel the way I do about it now.

Friday afternoon, I got a wild hair up my butt and decided that this weekend was the weekend that I was going to finally let go of things; things that I really didn't realize were still hampering my life. I enlisted the help of my friend Rhonda, who had some things of her own that she wanted to let go.  So we started out on my mission - "So I let go..."

She met me at my place and we took about an hour to sit and think of things that were truly weighing us down and keeping us from truly being at a place of peace.  It was amazing; as I started writing I really couldn't stop.  It was like my soul was moving the pen and I was just listening to it.  By the time I was done, I had twelve items listed.  Who knew? Apparently my soul - when it speaks... I LISTEN.

So off we went to Party City.  I went in and found twelve black balloons. Why black you ask? Here's a little tidbit that you might not know... in dreams, the color black symbolizes the unknown.  It invites you to delve deeper in your unconscious in order to gain a better understanding of yourself. More positively, black represents potential and possibilities. It is like a clean or blank slate.  When this idea first came to me, it came to me in a dream; and in the dream, the balloons were black.  I felt like this was of significance for a reason; and then when I found out the symbolism, the more I realized that I had to do this. 

As we waited for the balloons to be blown up, I walked around looking for the stickers to stick to the balloons and I also searched for a weight to keep the balloons in place.  Rhonda looked at my like I was crazy.  She was said, "why do you need a weight?" 

I answered back before I realized it, "to keep the balloons from floating away..."  Then I listened to the words that had come from my mouth.  Coree, wasn't that the point? We wrote up our stickers and  headed out. 

As I stood in the middle of the field at Tramore Park, where we'd gone with our balloons; I began to feel a bit anxious.  As I prepared to read and release each balloon, I started to feel really nervous.  I looked up at the twelve balloons and I thought... this sure doesn't look like a lot to weigh me down.  In fact, I'm the one holding on to them and keeping them in place.  BAM!!!! That was it!  That was what my part was in this scenario.  I was the person holding on to the very things that were weighing me down; I was using them as a crutch, a way to not hold myself completely accountable for my life.  Well, that was over... I was not going to be the one holding on to things that don't serve me any longer.  I was going to take accountability. I AM accountable!

I took the first balloon and read aloud, "I'm letting go of resentment towards my father..."  For years, I struggled with things that my father had done in my youth that changed the way I view family, relationships, men, etc.  What was the point? Those things in the past and since I'm not going to change them or him - so I let go.  Up went the balloon.  

I took the second balloon and read aloud, "I'm letting go of resentment towards my mother..." For a long time, I felt as if my mother didn't understand me. Part of me felt as if she never would.  Then I realized that I have to mourn the relationship that I want and deal with the relationship that we have.  If she never understands me, that's okay, she just has to respect the woman that I've become - so I let go. Up went the balloon.

I took the third balloon and read aloud, "I'm letting go of the fear of never getting married..."  I'd been in many serious relationships and a few of which were headed down that road; but never quite making it.  I had to believe that there is a reason for this; and although I'm not sure of what it is at this moment, I do know that holding on to that fear is not going to make it happen - so I let go. Up went the balloon.

I took the fourth balloon and read aloud, "I'm letting go of the fear of never having children..." After getting pregnant by what seemed like a Universal gift, I ended up having a second trimester miscarriage.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through alone. Having the belief I do in the Universe, I realized during that fatal time that I have no control over time or the outcome of it. I had to believe that there was a reason for what I endured; and although it has not come to light as of yet, I need to trust in the Universe - so I let go.  Up went that balloon. 

Watching as the balloons went higher and higher.

I took the fifth balloon and read aloud, "I'm letting go of the fear of never being enough..." All too often, I feel as though I'm spread to thinly.  Of course this is all of my doing.  I offer my time and energy to situations and people that aren't grateful; and then in the end I look back and feel as though I haven't given enough of myself and by extension the situations and people that are requiring my time. I had to realize that I can't be all things to and for all people - so I let go.  Up went that balloon.

I took the sixth balloon and read aloud, "I'm letting go of the fear of being alone..."  As much as I'm a social butterfly, and I am, I really enjoy my alone time.  I enjoy my alone time so much, that I'm afraid I can become too comfortable with it and become a bit of a recluse.  I also am the type of person that would rather be alone than with someone for the wrong reasons or for entertainment.  But what I've learned is there is nothing wrong with that; conversely, there is something wrong with the opposite - so I let go.  Up went that balloon.

I took the seventh balloon and read aloud, "I'm letting go of the fear of never achieving my goals..." I think this is a fear that everyone has; however, it only resides in our heads.  What I've learned is that the true lessons come from you going through what you go through to reach those goals.  Whether I complete them or not, the true lesson is in trying - so I let go.  Up went that balloon.

I took the eighth balloon and read aloud, "I'm letting go of the fear of never being able to truly let go of things, people, etc, that are no good to my progress..." I realized that this exercise itself was a testament to me being able to do so - so I let go.  Up went that balloon.

I took the ninth balloon and read aloud, "I'm letting go of the fear of letting myself down..." I'm much too hard on myself.  All too often I hold myself to some unreachable standard that only proves to be just that - unattainable.  I alone hold the key to this fear and today when I realized that I'm good enough for me, away went my fear of letting myself down - so I let go.  Up went that balloon.

I took the tenth balloon and read aloud, "I'm letting go of the fear of never truly feeling/being happy and settled in my life..."  Again, this was in the power of my hands.  Once I stop letting other people's expectations for me guide my joy; I would not only truly be and feel happy and settled in my life, but I would also be living MY life! Not the ideal that someone else has in store for me - so I let go.  Up went that balloon.

I took the eleventh balloon and read aloud, "I'm letting go of the fear of living up to other people's expectations of me..."  Much like number ten, I realized that I am the only voice that matters.  I've learned how to listen within and how to block out the voices of others that serve no purpose for my true happiness.  Most of those voices came from people who are not capable of understanding my life, but are always quick to tell me what direction it should take.  This also applies to ME and my 'advice giving' with my friends and family.  I realized then that I can't let go of something that I'm not willing to stop doing myself - so I let go.  Up went that balloon.

Before I knew it, I was down to the last balloon and I could feel a change in myself.  As I held the last balloon in my hands, I realized what fear was left.  It was my biggest fear.  I'm sure after reading all the ones listed above you are thinking, what possibly could be left?

I looked at the twelfth balloon and read aloud, "I'm letting go of the fear of leaving this world with no mark..." Like everyone, I've struggled all my life with finding my purpose here on earth.  After reaching my 39th year, thankfully, I felt as though I was nowhere close to finding my place.  Then it hit me.  I didn't have to be Oprah, the Dali Lama, Nelson Mandela or even Barack Obama to leave my mark on this world/earth.  I realized that I wake up everyday trying to be a better person; and by doing so inspire others to do the same.  If no one else chooses to do the same, I know at least one person does - and that's me.  Each day I strive to be better than the person I was the day before and by doing that I am changing the world and leaving my mark. Even if it is just in my world - so I let go.  I let go of that last balloon feeling every inch of the string attached to it as it drifted from my fingertips.  Up went that balloon.

As Rhonda and I watched my last balloon, we stood there in silence.  I turned to her after a minute and asked her how she felt.  She turned to me and said that she didn't want to analyze it.  I was of an opposite philosophy.  I felt like the experience would be lost on me if I didn't try to comprehend the gravity of the experience.  I turned to her and said, "It's amazing.  I never would have thought that letting go of the lightest balloons would take the biggest weight off my shoulders.  I feel lighter."

And I did; I felt as light as one of those balloons.  All the things that I had consciously and unconsciously allowed to weigh me down no longer had a hold on me.  I was no longer holding on to any of it - metaphorically and spiritually.  As we drove to the movies, I turned to Rhonda and said, "how amazing would it be if someone who was struggling with the same issues we were found one of our balloons with the message of letting go...?" 

I thought about that for a minute how and the enormity of what I just did could play into Universal plans for someone else.  When we let go, we're able to pick up the things that we should... Today I picked up a clean slate.  I also picked up the realization that I am as light as the balloons I released, but grounded enough to not fly away from my responsibilities.  This is MY life... I made it and I am living with MY choices... just a bit lighter now!

Twelfth balloon flying away...