So I let go...

I'm not even a month into "The 39th Year" and I really feel like I'm growing more and more as a person.  Today I was able to check off my "The 39th Year Bucket List" letting go of things that no longer serve a purpose in my life.  I know, I know... haven't I already done this? Well to some degree, but not in the way I did today... and not allowing me to feel the way I do about it now.

Friday afternoon, I got a wild hair up my butt and decided that this weekend was the weekend that I was going to finally let go of things; things that I really didn't realize were still hampering my life. I enlisted the help of my friend Rhonda, who had some things of her own that she wanted to let go.  So we started out on my mission - "So I let go..."

She met me at my place and we took about an hour to sit and think of things that were truly weighing us down and keeping us from truly being at a place of peace.  It was amazing; as I started writing I really couldn't stop.  It was like my soul was moving the pen and I was just listening to it.  By the time I was done, I had twelve items listed.  Who knew? Apparently my soul - when it speaks... I LISTEN.

So off we went to Party City.  I went in and found twelve black balloons. Why black you ask? Here's a little tidbit that you might not know... in dreams, the color black symbolizes the unknown.  It invites you to delve deeper in your unconscious in order to gain a better understanding of yourself. More positively, black represents potential and possibilities. It is like a clean or blank slate.  When this idea first came to me, it came to me in a dream; and in the dream, the balloons were black.  I felt like this was of significance for a reason; and then when I found out the symbolism, the more I realized that I had to do this. 

As we waited for the balloons to be blown up, I walked around looking for the stickers to stick to the balloons and I also searched for a weight to keep the balloons in place.  Rhonda looked at my like I was crazy.  She was said, "why do you need a weight?" 

I answered back before I realized it, "to keep the balloons from floating away..."  Then I listened to the words that had come from my mouth.  Coree, wasn't that the point? We wrote up our stickers and  headed out. 

As I stood in the middle of the field at Tramore Park, where we'd gone with our balloons; I began to feel a bit anxious.  As I prepared to read and release each balloon, I started to feel really nervous.  I looked up at the twelve balloons and I thought... this sure doesn't look like a lot to weigh me down.  In fact, I'm the one holding on to them and keeping them in place.  BAM!!!! That was it!  That was what my part was in this scenario.  I was the person holding on to the very things that were weighing me down; I was using them as a crutch, a way to not hold myself completely accountable for my life.  Well, that was over... I was not going to be the one holding on to things that don't serve me any longer.  I was going to take accountability. I AM accountable!

I took the first balloon and read aloud, "I'm letting go of resentment towards my father..."  For years, I struggled with things that my father had done in my youth that changed the way I view family, relationships, men, etc.  What was the point? Those things in the past and since I'm not going to change them or him - so I let go.  Up went the balloon.  

I took the second balloon and read aloud, "I'm letting go of resentment towards my mother..." For a long time, I felt as if my mother didn't understand me. Part of me felt as if she never would.  Then I realized that I have to mourn the relationship that I want and deal with the relationship that we have.  If she never understands me, that's okay, she just has to respect the woman that I've become - so I let go. Up went the balloon.

I took the third balloon and read aloud, "I'm letting go of the fear of never getting married..."  I'd been in many serious relationships and a few of which were headed down that road; but never quite making it.  I had to believe that there is a reason for this; and although I'm not sure of what it is at this moment, I do know that holding on to that fear is not going to make it happen - so I let go. Up went the balloon.

I took the fourth balloon and read aloud, "I'm letting go of the fear of never having children..." After getting pregnant by what seemed like a Universal gift, I ended up having a second trimester miscarriage.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through alone. Having the belief I do in the Universe, I realized during that fatal time that I have no control over time or the outcome of it. I had to believe that there was a reason for what I endured; and although it has not come to light as of yet, I need to trust in the Universe - so I let go.  Up went that balloon. 

Watching as the balloons went higher and higher.

I took the fifth balloon and read aloud, "I'm letting go of the fear of never being enough..." All too often, I feel as though I'm spread to thinly.  Of course this is all of my doing.  I offer my time and energy to situations and people that aren't grateful; and then in the end I look back and feel as though I haven't given enough of myself and by extension the situations and people that are requiring my time. I had to realize that I can't be all things to and for all people - so I let go.  Up went that balloon.

I took the sixth balloon and read aloud, "I'm letting go of the fear of being alone..."  As much as I'm a social butterfly, and I am, I really enjoy my alone time.  I enjoy my alone time so much, that I'm afraid I can become too comfortable with it and become a bit of a recluse.  I also am the type of person that would rather be alone than with someone for the wrong reasons or for entertainment.  But what I've learned is there is nothing wrong with that; conversely, there is something wrong with the opposite - so I let go.  Up went that balloon.

I took the seventh balloon and read aloud, "I'm letting go of the fear of never achieving my goals..." I think this is a fear that everyone has; however, it only resides in our heads.  What I've learned is that the true lessons come from you going through what you go through to reach those goals.  Whether I complete them or not, the true lesson is in trying - so I let go.  Up went that balloon.

I took the eighth balloon and read aloud, "I'm letting go of the fear of never being able to truly let go of things, people, etc, that are no good to my progress..." I realized that this exercise itself was a testament to me being able to do so - so I let go.  Up went that balloon.

I took the ninth balloon and read aloud, "I'm letting go of the fear of letting myself down..." I'm much too hard on myself.  All too often I hold myself to some unreachable standard that only proves to be just that - unattainable.  I alone hold the key to this fear and today when I realized that I'm good enough for me, away went my fear of letting myself down - so I let go.  Up went that balloon.

I took the tenth balloon and read aloud, "I'm letting go of the fear of never truly feeling/being happy and settled in my life..."  Again, this was in the power of my hands.  Once I stop letting other people's expectations for me guide my joy; I would not only truly be and feel happy and settled in my life, but I would also be living MY life! Not the ideal that someone else has in store for me - so I let go.  Up went that balloon.

I took the eleventh balloon and read aloud, "I'm letting go of the fear of living up to other people's expectations of me..."  Much like number ten, I realized that I am the only voice that matters.  I've learned how to listen within and how to block out the voices of others that serve no purpose for my true happiness.  Most of those voices came from people who are not capable of understanding my life, but are always quick to tell me what direction it should take.  This also applies to ME and my 'advice giving' with my friends and family.  I realized then that I can't let go of something that I'm not willing to stop doing myself - so I let go.  Up went that balloon.

Before I knew it, I was down to the last balloon and I could feel a change in myself.  As I held the last balloon in my hands, I realized what fear was left.  It was my biggest fear.  I'm sure after reading all the ones listed above you are thinking, what possibly could be left?

I looked at the twelfth balloon and read aloud, "I'm letting go of the fear of leaving this world with no mark..." Like everyone, I've struggled all my life with finding my purpose here on earth.  After reaching my 39th year, thankfully, I felt as though I was nowhere close to finding my place.  Then it hit me.  I didn't have to be Oprah, the Dali Lama, Nelson Mandela or even Barack Obama to leave my mark on this world/earth.  I realized that I wake up everyday trying to be a better person; and by doing so inspire others to do the same.  If no one else chooses to do the same, I know at least one person does - and that's me.  Each day I strive to be better than the person I was the day before and by doing that I am changing the world and leaving my mark. Even if it is just in my world - so I let go.  I let go of that last balloon feeling every inch of the string attached to it as it drifted from my fingertips.  Up went that balloon.

As Rhonda and I watched my last balloon, we stood there in silence.  I turned to her after a minute and asked her how she felt.  She turned to me and said that she didn't want to analyze it.  I was of an opposite philosophy.  I felt like the experience would be lost on me if I didn't try to comprehend the gravity of the experience.  I turned to her and said, "It's amazing.  I never would have thought that letting go of the lightest balloons would take the biggest weight off my shoulders.  I feel lighter."

And I did; I felt as light as one of those balloons.  All the things that I had consciously and unconsciously allowed to weigh me down no longer had a hold on me.  I was no longer holding on to any of it - metaphorically and spiritually.  As we drove to the movies, I turned to Rhonda and said, "how amazing would it be if someone who was struggling with the same issues we were found one of our balloons with the message of letting go...?" 

I thought about that for a minute how and the enormity of what I just did could play into Universal plans for someone else.  When we let go, we're able to pick up the things that we should... Today I picked up a clean slate.  I also picked up the realization that I am as light as the balloons I released, but grounded enough to not fly away from my responsibilities.  This is MY life... I made it and I am living with MY choices... just a bit lighter now!

Twelfth balloon flying away...

 

The Universe's Universal Lesson...

Universal laws are always at work...

The most amazing thing happened Friday.  My co-worker Consuela and I were chatting after work; as we usually do.  However, this week we really hadn't had the opportunity to chat, like we typically do, because life got in the way.  As we were chatting we ran into another co-worker, Barb; we hadn't seen her in well over a week.  As usual, we discussed each others jewelry - we are all fanatics over our jewelry.  As we were chatting it up about our lovely accessories, Barb starts to tell us about how she lost her diamond bracelet the day before.  I asked her if she'd looked everywhere and she told me yes.  The only place she hadn't looked was under her car seats and that was because we'd had horrible storms the night she lost it.

She was SO heartbroken and I felt her pain.  I know what it was like to lose something that meant so much to you.  She told us that it was sentimental to her because it was the first thing she purchased for herself after her divorce.  It was not only beautiful, but it also gave her a source of strength that was okay and that she'd come through the other side.  She was really choked up about it.

It reminded me of the time I'd lost my Grams' wedding band.  I'd inherited her wedding set when she passed.  My Grams wanted me married SO badly, she's even continuing from the grave.  It was SO important to me that I never wanted to change the size of the ring because it was a way of me holding on to every part of her.  Since the ring was too big, I opted to just wear the band around my neck on a chain.

At the time of my Grams' passing I was dating this guy named Joe.  I remember whispering in her ear that I'd met a really great guy and who knows where it could go.  After she passed things with Joe were good; but close to the time I found out he was going to propose, I found out he was cheating on me.  It was a little before that time that I lost the wedding band necklace.  I was DEVASTATED! I searched high and low for that necklace... I had my car detailed, nothing.  I had my house cleaned and searched, nothing.  I had all of my drains emptied, nothing.  I remember sitting down crying after searching for what seemed like weeks; afraid to tell my mom in fear of how disappointed she would be - and yes, I still had a healthy fear of my parents WELL into my 30s.

Finally the night I broke up with Joe, I parked my car at home and sat in my car for a few minutes, just staring at the stars from my sunroof.  I spoke to my Grams, as I often do; and I asked her to help me find some peace.  I was just drained from the loss of the necklace and dealing with Joe.  I took a deep breath and just let go.  As I was getting out of the car, I dropped my keys on the side of the seat between the seat and the arm rest.  As I reached down to grab the keys, up came the necklace with them.  I was EXCITED; but what the actual hell - I'd looked there!

I feel like my Grams was letting me know a few things: 1) that Joe was not the one - she was disapproving even from the grave; and 2) more importantly, she was telling me that when you focus on things too strongly and too much, you are sure to lose sight of it.  See, I'd focused SO much on finding the necklace and ring that I couldn't focus on anything else.  And it looks like I'd actually lost sight of it. So when I switched my focus and let go of the loss of the ring I was able to allow the process of it finding me to take place.

I told Barb that story about my Grams and told her to just take a pause and let the Universe do its work. When you stop worrying and focusing on something, it will find you.  Barb thanked us for the advice and told us she was letting go of it, then she left.  Just a few minutes later, as we were dispersing, she came running around the corner shouting - I FOUND IT.  It was on the ground in the parking space next to where she'd parked the night before.  It had been there for two full days and no one picked it up and no car ran over it.  She was so happy; and we were all elated.  We hugged and thanked God/Universe. 

It's just amazing.  Imagine the amount of things that can be achieved if we all just let go of things and allow them to happen as they will.  The lesson in this story, other than let Grams pick my future husband even from the grave, is twofold. When you let go of everything, preconceived notions, people, things, etc., what you actually need will find its way to you.  The Universe understands and respects that there is a time and place for everything; and sometimes when we lose sight of things, we have to be reminded of their value.  But more importantly, I've learned that when we are willing to lose something, I mean truly lose something, will we truly be able to gain it. 

What it means to be a true friend...

This, the 39th year, is proving to be quite an interesting journey.  I'm finding more and more out about myself everyday.  And tonight, when I reunited with a friend I hadn't seen in FAR too long, I realized something... although I may not know or have known many "true" friends - had I really been one?

As my friend and I sat tonight over dinner and relived the last few years it was as if time hadn't passed; and we were right back in her old house sitting around talking over drinks. It's amazing how time can pass so quickly; yet stand still at the same time.  We'd both been through SO much; and it was amazing how positive and optimistically we live our lives - no matter what. I'm SO blessed to have such a good friend in my life - a true friend. On my drive home I began to think... what does it mean to be a TRUE friend? How many of them do I have; and more importantly, have I been one?

Let me define what I believe a TRUE FRIEND is... A true friend is someone who has touched your heart and will stay there. Someone you care for who cares for you. Someone you can do the stupidest things around and always be forgiven. Someone you'll instantly remember in ten years because they are in your heart and not just your mind. They have the ability to change you, even if they don't. They will be etched in your memories forever.  Sure, we all know people that fit this definition; but do they all stay that way? 

I've had many friends over the years; and some of them have lasted quite a bit of time and are good - but not necessarily true.  Where a true friendship fails is when you feel as though you can't talk to them - even in your darkest moments.  When you feel as though you can't trust them with anything; and not because you are too ashamed to do so, but because they have given you the notion that your life and situations are insignificant.  Now this isn't something that is in your head - trust me, you aren't crazy; this is merely a reflection of their actions toward you.  They are narcissistic and self-obsessed. They look for any opportunity to bring the conversation back to them. Worse, they might not even be aware that they are doing it. In their mind, they might think they are the best friend ever, which is truly frightening. They are fair-weathered. They are by your side when you are fun and you have something to give them but as soon as you are going through a difficult time, they are conveniently MIA. Everything they do is self-serving; and they don't care how their actions impact you - because you are insignificant in their eyes, unless you are worshiping at the alter of their drama.

Thirty-nine years and I finally get it! There is no great loss in walking away from a friendship that isn't TRUE.  It doesn't matter how long you've known someone; or to what degree you are invested in their life and the lives of their families - you have to surround yourself with people who bring out the best qualities in you.  Life is hard enough without you having to wonder if you have good people around you. Your friends are supposed to be the solution/escape to your problems, not the source. It sounds simple but it’s true. If you don’t like the way you act or feel when you are around someone, maybe you should reconsider being around them.

I realized tonight that I have been a TRUE friend - and to many; and sadly, I can't say the same in reverse.  I should never question my friendship or loyalty to anyone that I ever considered a friend - because in KNOW that in spite of it all, I have been loyal to everyone I've ever called a friend; and some times to my own detriment.

I had an epiphany tonight while I was lost in my thoughts... one who doesn't understand TRUE FRIENDSHIP, will probably never understand yours.

Inner Peace... not a destination, but a journey....

Buddha said, “Peace comes from within.  Do not seek it without.”

Seems like a simple statement right? Then why do we try so hard to gain it from outside things? Why do we think these things can bring us pleasure?  Some people think a fancy car will bring them inner peace.  Interesting huh? Unless driving a Bentley some how can take away any possibility of road rage; I don't see anyone achieving inner peace from owning one.  Perhaps earning hundreds of thousands of dollars a year will bring one inner peace? I'm thinking... probably not, unless it can be purchased in the fanciest and most expensive of stores. 

Ooo, maybe a BIG fancy house; that'll do the trick. Well, we're getting closer.  How you wonder? Let me explain my theory.  Houses are made of sticks and bricks - at least that's the way I look at it.  We spend so much time confined in buildings of steel and concrete and bricks that we quickly forget where we come from - Nature... It is natural for us to be in nature and this is why it feels so good and it is so peaceful when you take a walk in a park, bike on a trail in the forest or just sitting outside feeling the sun and smelling the air.  As I am typing this blog, I have my balcony door open watching the stillness of the trees, with the wind blowing through their branches calmly, it is a sight that not only inspires me, but that I find peace within. Nature is something you just can’t experience in a car or a house.  What I've experienced over that last few years and what I'm learning more so in "the 39th year" is there are many steps to achieve inner peace.  Communing in nature and feeling the presence of the Universe is just the beginning; it is the map that we need to direct us to finding our inner peace. 

Tonight leaving the gym, I watched a much older man walking from his car into the restaurant next to the gym.  He appeared so frail as he moved gingerly across the parking lot.  I sat in my car and just watched him.  It made me a bit sad because he reminded me of my grandfather who passed in January.  They both were blessed to have lived long lives. Time, however, is not on any of our sides.  What we borrow from the Universe, we must give back. That reminded of another step in the quest to attain inner peace... Accept what is...

There is only so much we can affect. What we cannot change, what we cannot influence no matter what, should not be a concern to us. This is what I noticed with so many people, is that we focus and linger on things which we have no control over. Why worry about something that all the worrying in the world will not change? Why care about what other people think of us when we’re not even sure what it is they are actually thinking? Once you open your eyes and mind to this fact, and start accepting what you cannot change, you automatically relieve yourself of a mountain of stress and anxiety. It’s like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders.  Focusing on negativity and worry is like walking around with an umbrella waiting for it to rain; fifty percent of the time you may need the umbrella, but the other fifty percent of the time you are walking around carrying a load that you don't need.  Taking the load off, will make this journey SO much easier.  Accept what is... this is the road towards peace.

If nature is the map and accepting what is is the road, then I'm at the beginning of my journey. Since this looks to be an ongoing process, stick with me... it may be a challenging journey ahead; but if we just get out of our own way, we can simplify it.  We have a way of complicating everything, including our true nature and desires.  If inner peace is going to be attained, we have to stop complicating our lives with things that are of no real consequence or matter to us.  Yet, those things are hard to let go of... but in the words of the Indigo Girls, "the hardest to learn was the least complicated..."

Missing the train or making it?

Serendipity.  Serendipity is my favorite word in the English language.  Yes I know it's a shock, some of you would think it's namaste (which runs a close second), but nope - serendipity.  Serendipity means a "happy accident" or "pleasant surprise"; specifically, the accident of finding something good or useful while not specifically searching for it.  I think the meaning more than anything else that draws me to the word... finding something good or useful while not specifically searching for it.... The only part that I really have a problem with it the word "accident".  See, I don't really believe in accidents. Okay, maybe a small part of me believes in the actual "car" kind, but then again, not really; because if you were paying attention, perhaps it wouldn't happen... but I digress. 

See, my lack of believing in accidents has been around probably as long as my failure to believe in the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus - I was a very wise kid :) The philosophy of accidents from Coree coming in 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1... there are none!  I think that everything has a space and place in time; and every now and then when we slow down and let life happen organically, we actually allow ourselves to either maintain the right path or get on it.  Once we are there the possibilities are endless. I think the word that should replace "accident" should be "sagacity".  Sagacity means foresight, discernment, or keen perception; ability to make good judgments; sound in judgment. So instead of serendipity meaning a "happy accident" it should mean "happy discernment"; because it takes sound judgment and a discerning nature to be able to slow down and let life happen - not an accident of life.  So why am I bring all of this up?  What does this have to do with "the 39th year"?  Indeed, all good questions... that will be answered shortly. 

I was able to catch the end of  Sliding Doors, one of my favorite movies today.  If you haven't seen it, you must... but you may want to skip down to the next paragraph because I'm about to give a spoiler :)  The gest of the movie is about woman who is rushing to make a train.  That's when the movie takes a fantastic transition and splits into two different movies.  One part, if she makes the train; the other part, if she misses it. How would her life differ based on making the train or missing it.  It reminded me of my favorite word and it got me thinking... the way the movie ended, reinforced my feeling about accidents.  Indeed the making or missing of the train could seem like an accident; however, the way the movie ended was very serendipitous.  This made me think again, if we just slow down and realize that we can find something good or useful while not specifically searching for it; it will always some how find us and we will and can be pleasantly surprised :)

Now, back to your questions... why am I bring all of this up?  What does this have to do with "the 39th year"?  It's simple.  When I was creating a list of things that I wanted to accomplish this year, "finding" the love of my life was one of them.  After watching the end of that movie and reflecting on my favorite word, it made me realize that "finding" the love of my life wasn't going to be something I would accomplish this year UNLESS I truly slowed down and realize that I can find something good or useful while not specifically searching for it; and it will always some how find me... and then I will be pleasantly surprised! But don't get it twisted, I still have to utilize some sagacity and be able to figure out if I'm missing the train or making it... 

Happy Anniversary... or Birthday?

Happy Birthday!!!

<----- Do you see that girl? That's Coree and she just had a birthday on May 30th.  Yep, that's right. But not just any birthday... You see, when she turned 35, as she was in that picture, she vowed that she would stay 35 FOREVER... well, maybe not for-ever; but as long as she could celebrate "anniversaries" of that birthday, she technically would be.

I know, I know - semantics - but it worked... that was until she realized, HOLY CRAP, I'm almost out of my 30s! I better start celebrating and making this last year in my 30s the best it can possibly be!

With that being said, welcome to her blog to chronicle her last year in her 30s. If she's going to be pushing the limits of her last year in her 30s, why not take a sit, grab some popcorn, alcoholic beverage and enjoy the show :) It's sure to be pure entertainment. So, from today until May 30, 2014 join her in living up her last year as a 30-something!

Welcome to "The 39th Year... And so it begins..."